Ooooookay. So although this project apparently wasn't officially announced until today, news of it has been circulating on some horror-based websites for at least a few weeks now, during which time I've meant to write about it but have been variously too busy/lazy/incoherent to do so.
You know what, I'm not even gonna give you a heads up on what it is. I'm just gonna plunk the headline right here and let it speak for itself.
Exorcism to Air on Live TV
Look at that headline. Really look at it. Let it sink in. Let that sentence rattle around in your brain for awhile. Do a Google news search if you'd like to, to confirm to yourself that no, you did not in fact just hallucinate the news story you just read and that no, you did not inadvertently click on the Onion. Take your time. It's a lot of bullshit to swallow at once.
...
...everybody ready now? Okay.
First off, it's important to note that this exorcism is not actually being performed on a possessed human, but rather on a house. I must admit I felt a slight twinge of disappointment upon learning that, because I was having kind of a blast envisioning all of the inevitable lawsuits that would arise from performing a highly dangerous and unproven treatment on a mentally ill individual on live television.
Secondly, as you may notice, this exorcism isn't being performed on just any house. Nope, they've pulled out the big guns for this special. This exorcism is going to be performed on the "Exorcism House" - that is, the house where Roland Doe (the alleged possession victim who inspired William Peter Blatty's The Exorcist) was exorcised.
Now, my first thought upon hearing all this* was "Exorcist House? The fuck are they talking about?" I've heard all about the case of Roland Doe, of course (whom expert opinion now thinks was just a mentally disturbed asshat ), but I never recalled hearing anything in particular about his house. Certain houses have entered the public consciousness as places of evil and ghosty things, like The Amityville House, The Crenshaw House, or The Winchester Mystery House, but I never heard anything about Roland Doe's house being continually haunted. But hey, I certainly don't know everything.** So I decided to do a little Googling on the subject.
And guess what? Not only could I not find any references to the house being haunted, but as it turns out, it wasn't even clear where the house actually was. Doe was apparently long believed to be from Mount Rainier, but based on an examination of the many massively tangled and inconsistent reports on the case, it's now been determined that he was actually from Cottage City. Furthermore, rather than a single treatment Doe is believed to have undergone multiple exorcisms at multiple locations over a matter of months. Although the announcement doesn't make it clear exactly where the special is taking place, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they're talking about Doe's home in Cottage City. So, is that home haunted? Let's ask their longtime across-the-street neighbor!
"When Hall moved to Cottage City in the late '60s, he heard talk that the bungalow across the street was the "Exorcist house" but that tale was already viewed as ancient history, and, besides, the family hadn't lived there since 1958. Hall has raised six children who care little for the movie or the book based on the house, and he says nothing out of the ordinary has happened there in all those years."
...um...
...erm...
...ahem...
*cue sad trombone*
Well, now the Destination America Channel's proclamation that "no one has ever attempted to rid the lurking spirits and demons that inhabit this home" makes perfect sense. No one has ever attempted it because THERE FUCKING AREN'T ANY.
As I've said, I can't find any clear reference in any of the articles I've read as to exactly which house the special is talking about. Since it's been made long clear that Doe lived in Cottage City I'm just assuming it's that house. But hey, you know what they say about assumptions. I could be totally wrong, maybe they've scouted out some other location that he was exorcised at. But the point is, no matter what creative search terms I use I still can't find any reports claiming that any location Roland Doe was exorcised at is or ever has been haunted. The Destination America channel says that this house is "infamous, dangerous, and highly possessed" as well as "iconic." I think we can pretty well disregard those claims, considering that not only is the house not believed to be haunted, but there's lingering confusion about which friggin' house they're referring to.
Clearly these producers don't actually give a rat's ass about the veracity of their claims, they just want some instant "ZOMG we're exorcising the Exorcism house, isn't that wild?!" hype. Except, that part's not even really true. Because despite what the title proclaims, whatever they're doing on this house is not in fact an exorcism. An exorcism is a religious rite - typically thought of as Catholic, but nearly every Christian denomination has official rules for dealing with exorcisms - performed by a member of said religion. This show (I refuse to call it a ritual or a rite) is being performed by, according to the press release, the cast of Ghost Asylum and "psychic medium" Chip Coffey. If there are any actual priests or other spiritual consultants on hand, apparently they weren't important enough to merit a mention.
Actual exorcisms are extremely rare nowadays, due to the rules and constraints set upon spiritual leaders by their organizations, and are viewed as an extremely dangerous undertaking that are used only as a last resort when natural causes of phenomena have been ruled out. Regardless of your beliefs on exorcisms, it's pretty clear that those who perform them view it as serious business, not something to be put on a reality show. In order to truly be considered an exorcism, it should be performed by an actual spiritual representative, not the cast of a subpar Ghost Hunters knockoff*** and a professional psychic who has been proven to be, as all professional psychics are, a big friggin liar.
This show just encapsulates everything I loathe about horror-based reality/edutainment shows: the blatant disregard for facts and history, the employment of "experts" who couldn't find a real ghost with both hands, both feet, and ten Ouija boards, the instant acceptance of anything unusual as being the work of a ghost rather than, say, mental illness (in people) or creaky plumbing (in houses). I love the horror genre so much not just for the scares, but for its ability to make me question what I think I know, to tap into primal fears and remind me that even after all the ghoulie and ghosty trappings are stripped away there's still plenty of fear to be found in everyday life. This shit does none of that. And I think what irritates me the most is that I know it's gonna get a fuckton of views simply based on the title and press release - look, a televised exorcism, the first of its kind! Except it's not. It's just another ghost hunting show. And god knows we didn't have nearly enough of those.****
* Well, first after "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"
** For instance, I just found out a few months ago that the Axeman was actually a real killer and not just an American Horror Story character. I'M SORRY OKAY I AM SO ASHAMED
*** Wow, that might be the saddest phrase I've ever typed
****Did you catch the sarcasm? Did you? Because I can lay it on thicker.
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